Underground Luche Libre Ring Field Report Part 2: Match for Supremacy of the Underground Local Music Scene

Underground Luche Libre Ring Field Report Part 2: Match for Supremacy of the Underground Local Music Scene

As you recall from our last field report, the revelation of this underground activity shook our understanding of how the local music scene operated, and we were determined to find the truth. Tonight we will share what we discovered about the shifting power dynamics between different music styles in the Capital District. The changes become more extreme every year: post-punk, pop-punk, vaporwave, techno-sludge, all battling not only for our ears and our wallets, but our hearts.

We want to learn if this network of musicians battling for rank can explain the mystery of why certain genres are popular one year and panned the next. If these absurdities somehow manage to bring balance to the erratic energy of the local music scene, then our terrifying foray into this darkness will not be in vain.

We left you last time waiting for the match to begin. We were allowed briefly to approach the ring and speak to the performers and promoters. We caught the attention of Scene Mayor/Master of Ceremonies Bobby Carlton, who leaned over the ropes for a quick interview. When asked about the lineup and the odds, he responded artfully as the seasoned politician he is; “These semi-finals always get me a little anxious,” he said, smoothing his lapels. “It’s distressing to see a solid post-punk band that worked really hard doing rough shows over one of our famously shitty Capital District winters come down here and throw it all into the ring. The battle is really for the supremacy over the summer season lineups, for all those good-weather gigs and festivals. And often this is only to lose out to some experimental noise artist from the suburbs that will move to Brooklyn in a month anyway. They might lose on a costume technicality, a chair to the back of the head, anything really! But we have to allow a fair fight. It’s an egalitarian system, really.”

E.S. Cormac, a.k.a. Lord Humongous, doing some deep hamstring stretches next to Bob, agreed. “Yes, it is some hard street justice served down here. Draconian, even.” He and his band-mate and tag-team battler, Kat Celentano, a.k.a. Yukari Hitsugi, took a quiet moment to sip mineral water from matching silver flasks.
“But how else would these things be decided?” Lord Humungous whispered. “No one votes. No one buys anything anymore.” Hitsugi agreed with a sad shake of her head and delicately tipped some water into the mouth of Mr. Whiskers, the smartly-dressed cat on Lord Humungous’ shoulder.

Suddenly, the starting bell clanged. Mr. Whiskers leaped from his shoulder perch to his chair in the VIP section. Bob returned to his place at the center mic. A team of Luchadore battle-fluffers hurried the strutting, hyped-up fighters into their corners. The noise of the crowd and the wrestlers throwing insults at one another was deafening.

Holy PinkSlip hollered across the crowd for last bets and then waved over Keith of Che Guevara T-shirt to help escort us back to our seats in the press box. We asked Keith if he was here to support his band’s drummer and rookie fighter, John Olander, a.k.a. The Big O.

Keith frowned and said through clenched teeth, “He knows the consequences if he loses again.” Holy PinkSlip checked her clipboard and clucked, “Yikes. 18-1 tonight. Says here ‘his energy level was so inconsistent working on the last CGT album, he lost all his backers.’”

Overhearing our conversation, event commentator Philip Donnelly covered his mic and laughed, “Sure, but look at him. You wouldn’t guess he’s the long shot.” Into the mic, he purred, “Well folks, looks like the Big O, is quite the smooth lounge lizard for tonight’s match.” The Big O, a beautiful woman draped on each arm, strolled around the ring in a floor-length, crushed velvet smoking jacket. The crowd gasped as the women pulled the jacket from his shoulders to reveal that his costume consisted only of black silk pantaloons and Persian slippers.
Christopher Brown, a.k.a. The Cipher, back-flipped across the ring and barged into Hans Christopher, a.k.a. Primo Voyager, who roared, “Hack! Steal costumes much?!”

Behind us, a woman wearing a veil and a black cocktail dress and leaning over a drawing pad whispered, “This doesn’t look good for Primo. He’s already on the defensive. And his match hasn’t even started. See, he represents the self-effacing rogue artists among us. The sardonic solo performers. There’s just not enough muscle behind that. It’s too much for one man!” She sighed. “I’m capturing the irony of that, visually, for the Super Dark zine.” We stayed respectfully quiet as she began sketching.

Primo Voyager pulled at his black tights and gestured rudely at The Cipher. “I’m in black tights! You have black tights! How’s anyone supposed to tell us apart?!”

“You’re topless, Primo. And The Cipher is dressed like a Ninja,” Hitsugi interrupted, trying to separate them. “Save it for the match, you two!” shouted Koko, bouncing across the canvas. The Cipher shouldered Primo Voyager roughly and glared at the crowd as he smoothed his mustache.

Phil announced: “There’s Chris Brown, a.k.a. The Cipher! Headlining tonight in the main event, tag-teaming with Koko Chaos against Lord Humongous and Yukari Hitsugi.”

“Don’t say my real name, Donnelly!” The Cipher shrieked, tearing around the ring. He hurled a giant brass gong at the press box. The crowd screamed and the row in front of us scattered. “Where the hell did he get that?” Anonymous Coward asked nervously from behind the broadcasting equipment. His companion flicked a scathing side-eye at him and said under her breath, “Who can even tell anymore.”

“The gong! That’s mine, dammit,” El Gran Mofongo moaned. “There goes my liability insurance, you ass!” He charged across the canvas at the Cipher.
“Looks like it’s all happening, ready or not,” sighed Phil into the mic. “Here is John Prusinski, a.k.a. El Gran Mofongo! He is normally one mellow fellow, but he’s already out of order with a Rip Snorter around the Cipher’s neck. This wasn’t even his battle, but here we are. Not to be outdone, here’s the Big O sneaking up on Mofongo. Looks like he’s feeling froggy. Yes, folks, he jumped and Mofongo was just bounced clean out of the ring.”

Lord Humongous cackled in amusement, did a few more lunges against the rope and blew a kiss to his cat before flinging himself at Koko Chaos.

“Speaking of chaos,” Phil yelled into the mic; “in the other corner we have John Gill, a.k.a. The Glowering Inferno, trying to get the Big O’s attention. He’s asking to be tagged in. Here he is, running a brutal Reverse Sneaky Pete on Mofongo, who just had an epic fail with his trusty Triple Lutz! Hitsugi has tagged in with Lord Humongous and is up on the corner ropes about to drop in with a Deadly Omelet but—what’s this—Hitsugi has spotted some attractive person in the audience with unusually lush eyebrows and—yes folks, Hitsugi is out. Lord Humongous and Koko are circling each other like panthers; this could get dangerous. Will he use his Inverted Monsanto? The Deep State? Are they any match for her Hustle? This is anyone’s match, folks.”

We watched in shock as the scene changed suddenly. Koko stared off into space and tilted her head. “Shh! Don’t you hear that? Listen to the sound it makes when his body hits the mat!” She grabbed Lord Humongous’s arm and gestured toward the Cipher throwing Primo Voyager repeatedly against the mat. “BWOOV, BWOOV, BWOOV” Lord Humongous said, nodding along with Koko Chaos. She peeled her shiny silver gloves off and exclaimed, “Right? We gotta sample that beat, that is gold. Come on!” Mofongo tore himself away from the Big O and shouted, “Me too! That’s going to sound amazing through my Temporal Disruptor pedal!”
Primo Voyager rolled away from the Cipher and stood with dignity. “Pardon me, but this all just…it just reminded me of something someone said to me a long time ago…someone I loved…” He did a swan dive out of the ring and out into the alley where he could freestyle in peace. The Cipher wiped himself off and reached into a fold in his tights, pulling out a small, fragrant moleskin notebook. “I need to go write this down into lyrics for a song before I lose it” he said in a husky voice and crept out of the ring in search of a dark corner where he could write undisturbed.

Hitsugi had snuck back into the ring and tried to tackle The Glowering Inferno but was now stuck at arm’s length from him, straining her forehead against his palm, her arms pinwheeling in the air. They made eye contact. The Inferno suddenly looked unsure of himself and she seemed to share his moment of doubt. “Why are we doing this?” The Inferno murmured. “Any of this?” Hitsugi stopped struggling and dropped to a crouch. “I don’t know,” she whispered. He sat down cross-legged in front of her and pulled a small packet of gummy bears from his union suit, offering her a few. “There must be a better way than all this violence, sound and fury.” They engaged in a deep conversation as silence started to fall over the emptying arena.

Bobby C. and Phil tried to summarize for the listeners. For all of us. “I think that’s a wrap, everyone! Thanks for coming! Thanks to our sponsors!” Bob shouted and hurried from the ring. Phil explained into the mic, “Well, Hitsugi and the Inferno seem to be exploring some kind of existential crisis, the Cipher and Primo Voyager are… writing songs or something…and Lord Mofongo and our headliners, Koko and Lord Humongous, all seem to be setting up to record various sounds from this event to make music…”

“Great. Just what this music scene needed: another experimental noise collaboration supergroup,” someone snidely commented from the shadows behind the VIP section.

It looks like nothing was decided here, no one won anything, and our understanding of the idiosyncracies of the capital district underground music scene is now even worse than ever (though there are clearly many more layers of ridiculousness to it). If it were up to us, the true winner of this over hyped circle jerk of a Luche Libre match would be the cutting, sarcastic comment we heard at the end.

This is Ne Nee Taartulas reporting for Times Boredom.

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High Fashion Normalize uses dark magic to get us into them

High Fashion Normalize uses dark magic to get us into them

It’s well known that Times Boredom’s security against the dark arts is full of holes to say the least. All a band or person need do sometimes is like our articles, share them, or play with local bands we like to get us to like them and write silly articles to send you to their download page or go see them at shows. High Fashion Normalize did all this and much more to get our attention and get us to like them…

Somehow they summoned several of the Dark Lords of the Times Boredom (many of who have gone missing for years):

1cScott Koenig was compromised when Ezra Brennan (only listed official member of High Fashion Normalize) was seen disco dancing at a Fucking Christ show. “I say to this person that’s dancing, which is unheard of at a Fucking Christ show; ‘you can’t disco dance to a witchdoom band!  You’re supposed to be depressed into sullenly soullessly watching in silence with the other 2 people who are drunk and want to be somewhere else.’ to which Ezra replied ‘well, I really like your music. It moved me. I don’t decide how I move, nor how your music moves me.’ Cool response. Made me checkout their band, which moved me.”

skoDJ THINK NOISE was summoned to comment after seeing a High Fashion Normalize performance (which included Ezra and a mysterious blond haired bass player/vocalist who has joined Brennan for performances, appears on the cover of and seems to perform on the latest recordings). “Those kids seemed to know some shit! They had their drum machine a -rockin, all their other electronics and their efx coordinatin an jammin the noise frequencies to whack the place out, and I thought, these kids have the potential to be the next Denim and Diamonds! I think Professors Skinner and Martin would approve! What, you never heard of Denim and Diamonds? Ah, you don’t know shit about shit!”

720x405-jim-wardThey even summoned Latino correspondent Jorge Ninos, who’s a huge fan of shoegaze; “Hey, did you just put me down as ‘Latino’ correspondent? Fuck you man, I’m not your token Latino guy! I like this band cause their post-shoegaze noise sound reminds me of the good old early nineties Manchester scene. Has nothing to do with my ethnicity, asshole.”

IanMacKayeHardcore/punk correspondent xxSteve was brought back from the dead with stronger necromantic skills (we don’t even know how they did it but we saw him in a circle of salt, near a Seal of Solomon…) “What the fuck? I told you to wake me only when you got permission to do an article on YBOD! I quit after you wouldn’t let me do the AR article, and look how that turned out for you guys. Fuck your stupid little artsy blog that’s become a little ghetto for your alternative rock club or whatever you fucks are calling it these days.”

In any case, we here at Times Boredom have been summoned to comment. And we are quite impressed by their latest ep Sometimes I’m happy, sometimes i’m sad, but i always have you and the few performances we’ve seen them at. Here’s hoping they summon us to see and hear more!

Underground Luche Libre Ring Uncovered in Troy; Local Musicians Exposed

Underground Luche Libre Ring Uncovered in Troy; Local Musicians Exposed

Recently the Times Boredom hotline received an anonymous tip that local musicians are operating a seedy underground luche libre network in Troy.  Intrigued (to say the least), we followed up on this unusual lead and have some shocking revelations to report to you:

After being given a specific time and address, a couple of our reporters were met at the unmarked basement entrance of a popular Troy venue by a small but formidable woman who introduced herself as Holy PinkSlip.

“I take the bets,” she snarled, tapping the ash from a pumpkin spice latte-scented blunt.

“Bets on what?” we inquired.

“Follow me,” she replied ominously, and led us into a cavernous space packed with sweaty, howling throngs of excited people.

In the center of the dimly-lit room was a regulation-sized wrestling ring. Bare bulbs lined the walls and swung overhead, shining on the colorful makeup of many familiar faces. Musicians and fans we see at local music events were now mingling in elaborate costumes.

We barely recognized Ed of local band Hill Haints. With his headdress of bones and twisted metal and vest studded with porcupine quills, Ed looked more Mad Max wasteland than capital district pub. However, his most noticeable accessory was his Insta-famous cat, Mr. Whiskers, who was dressed in a tiny three-piece suit and perched neatly on his shoulder. “Best of luck to you tonight, Lord Humongous and Agent Whiskers,” Ms. Pinkslip whispered to the duo as a crowd of fans nodded solemnly as they passed.

Ms. PinkSlip led us over to the press box, crowded with local media personalities and an array of broadcasting equipment. We were given ring-side seats next to Saratoga celebrity Philip Donnelly, who revealed to us he has been the announcer and commentator for these events for nearly three years. He switched on his mic. “Welcome to the King Loser’s Cut Out Bin live coverage of this special event, the local luche libre semi-finals! Sponsored by the Super Dark Collective, and Bumpy’s Ice Cream Shop. Let’s do this! Over to you, Bob.”

In the center of the ring, Saratoga scene mayor Bob Carlton smoothed his tuxedo and reached up for the retractable mic. “Tonight! We are one step closer to the luche libre finals, where tonight’s winners will battle for supremacy of the local music scene in the 2019 season! Here are your luchadores!”

The crowd went wild as a line of outrageously-dressed characters representing themselves, their band, or their preferred musical stylings, paraded into the ring.

We were introduced to a few other local characters prior to the ring action.

A mysterious spectator who introduced himself to us only as “Anonymous Coward” was dressed in full costume but says he never participates. “If I’m pushed, I’ll leave. I’m not driven by pacifism, but by an extreme need to avoid conflict.” He provided our crew with a paper copy of the line-up.

sketch-1539965993683(our artists’ sketch of ‘Anonymous Coward’)

luchadore lineup

Rookie Luchadore “The Big O” spoke with us after announcing he’d lost his first round. He confessed he earns his right to enter the ring by sewing costumes for the other Luchadores, and by providing post-match massages.

We’ll back next week with all the details and the match results!

Sinkcharmer says no to a show

Sinkcharmer says no to a show

“We really needed an opener, and I asked Shane.  He says, dude, Paul will play any show, he’s awesome.  And then the guy says no!”

“I had nothing against the band or the show,” insists Paul, lead singer/guitarist/programmer of Sinkcharmer; “I just had 2 other shows to play that night.  I’ll play with them next time though.”

Though Sinkcharmer typically plays 7 nights a week, he admits to enjoying time off now and then.  “Wednesday I didn’t have a gig and it was really cool.  I ordered some Chinese food and played Minecraft with my kids.  I’m thinking of taking at least one night off a week from now on.”

Ah, flashback humor.  I get it.  Do you?

Local band ‘TBA’ convicted of violating guild naming convention; violent confrontation with local band ‘Mr. Cancelled’ continues

Alleged local band “TBA” was found guilty today on all counts of violating regional entertainment statutes. (See Exhibit A.)

Exhibit A - Pending Band Name Exemptions

In the capital region, bands and event promoters are forbidden from using “misleading or dangerously ambiguous names.” Does this outdated law restrict artistic expression? The public has been divided since the civil case against local band “TBA” was publicized.

We asked local Music Guild prosecutors why choosing a name in the entertainment industry isn’t protected by the First Amendment. The Guild insists it protects the public. “A good band name can be creative AND still exercise due diligence by letting you know that they’re punk, or experimental, or pop. A confusing name like ‘TBA’ could unravel the fabric of society!”

The defendant, ‘TBA’ founder Montana “Mo” Darbiss, tried to defend his choice when we interviewed him earlier today.

TB: Tell us, Mr. Darbiss. You didn’t think the name ‘TBA’ would create chaos in our small community?

Mo: It was innocent! We only wanted to hint that we do all kinds of music! Create a sense of mystery! Will we show up and play all stripped-back garage rock, or Ginger Baker half the set? Or will we only play doom klesmer swamp metal? Who knows! It’s TBA!

TB: But surely you saw your idea was flawed when your band was bumped from events because no one could tell you were there to fill the T-B-A ‘To-Be-Announced’ slot.

Mo: We were so confused! Promoters didn’t understand why we were there! I’d put our name in for an event, and we’d show up and say, ‘Hi, we’re TBA.’ And they’re like, ‘Wait, no one took the TBA slot.’

Alleged band TBA’s defense attorney states the trouble really started for them when they saw their name on a double bill with local power-pop noir trio, Mr. Cancelled. Mo confirms, “The flyer was really abstract and I didn’t catch the ‘Mr’ part. All I saw was ‘TBA—Cancelled’ and I came to the Music Guild for help.” Unfortunately, when TBA arrived at Guild headquarters, they were promptly arrested under the current charges.

According to court records, Mr. Cancelled front man Gary Ziroli gave a shredding testimony. “I wish TBA would leave me out of it. They started this mess, not me.” He had shouted at Mo Darbiss during the proceedings, “My band name was safely flying just under the Guild’s radar before you came along, you feral reprobate!”

He was restrained in the court after pulling a set of tailored leather driving gloves from his back pocket and whipping Mo across the goatee. “That’s for getting me fined $300 for a 2nd degree misleading band name charge!” We will note for the public record that Mr. Cancelled’s 2nd degree charge included community service, with no Super Darks for six months. We will update our readers with the TBA sentencing details as they become available. For now, they are TBD.

-Reporting from Music Guild headquarters, this has been field reporter NeNée Tartülaas for Times Boredom Press.

We’re boycotting LarkFest this year cause none of our favorite bands are playing

We’re boycotting LarkFest this year cause none of our favorite bands are playing

This year’s Larkfest has a lineup of all local bands, however, none of them made our top ten super 17 list.

lf(fyi we have no idea who this guy is or what he has to do with larkfest, it’s just the stock photo from the larkfest site)

Therefore, we here at Times Boredom will be boycotting the festival in protest!

That and cause we’ve gone before and it’s usually pretty boring unless you’re day drinking. But then you get really tired and fall asleep late in the afternoon once the festival winds down, and then you wake up really cranky at like 2 AM Sunday morning, there’s nothing on tv… you feel kinda like that cool new Candy Ambulance video, you know? Meh.

caspray

Might not mind seeing Bendt though, since we’re kinda friends an all. Seriously, no, we’re not going! Totally reasonable serious significant political protest! We won’t go until a band from our top ten is on the bill! We’ll take this up with the BID — we’re gonna write a letter and make up signs and… Meh, who are we kidding? We’re just too lazy get up before noon on a Saturday and deal with the parking and blargh.